Welcome to a new comedy series treatment called “Andiamo Giovanni” about how one man can turn the most simplistic task in to the Apollo moon landings.
“ANDIAMO GIOVANNI”!
HIS GRAND CANYON ADVENTURE
June 24, 2015
See Giovanni wake up on Wednesday morning, June 23, 2015, at 5:30am. Not much left to do in Sedona, Arizona. Grand Canyon! Only 2 hours and 15 minutes. Giovanni packs for the odyssey and leaves before Bill O’Reilly of Fox News begins to blare on the TV screen at Willard’s and Mary Ruth’s home.
See Giovanni expertly navigates his way through “Switchback Central” – Oak Creek Canyon on 89A. See Giovanni winging his way to Flagstaff – the jumping off point one of the “World’s 7 Wonders”. See Giovanni face his own “7 Wanders” in following pages.
See Giovanni run out pavement on 89A with only 2 options – I40 and I17. See the absence of signs saying “To Grand Canyon”.
See Giovanni use osmosis and Zen to divine path to Highway 181 and on to The Grand Canyon.
See Giovanni look for Highway 181 sign or any sign saying “To Grand Canyon”.
See Giovanni pull over to input “Grand Canyon” in to GPS. See Giovanni think that should cover it.
See Giovanni listen to silky voice of “Karen” who lives in magical GPS icon on Mr. IPhone 6.
See Giovanni zipping along highway 89 heading north. See Giovanni’s fogged mind trying to decide if Highway 181 and 89 are actually the same highway. See Giovanni’s eyes glaze over in to a hypnotic trance, trundling ahead in to the unknown of a road devoid of any scenery or signs saying “To Grand Canyon”.
See Giovanni stop at a gas station to fill up, pee, Buy a Big Red and Butter Crust apple pie.
See Giovanni humming because all is right with the world.
See Giovanni pondering why he has not seen the Highway 64 cutoff to the left, uh, “west”. See Giovanni continue driving north for another 20 miles.
See Giovanni see a sign that says “Grand Canyon North Rim”. Sudden flash back to NBA Finals.
See Giovanni begin to sweat and get clammy. Giovanni now realizes he is supposed to be going to the South Rim. Giovanni did not consult map in Sedona. Giovanni can’t miss The Grand Canyon. Impossibile!
See Giovanni pull over and take a right on a road going east with a sign saying “Tuba 5 miles”.
See Giovanni’s mind full of??????? Sudden acid flash back to UT Longhorn Marching Band with Vincent De Nino conducting in 1969 national championship game against arch rival “Soooeeeyyy Pig” boys.
See Giovanni search for real map to get grip on where he is. Giovanni finally locates “Tuba, Arizona”. See Giovanni’s brow crinkle like wrapping paper. Giovanni sees he has overshot 64 by “one inch” on Mr. Map.
See Giovanni contemplate that GPS lady didn’t’ say “Turn Left” because connection to satellite not working. See Giovanni get an attack of “blinky eye” from “Pink Panther” movies. Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink and blink!!
See Giovanni turn the rent car around to go back the way he came after he slams fist on to console.
See Giovanni listen to “Karen” say, “Continue on 89, south, for 60 miles. “60 WHAAATTT??????????????????”
See Giovanni spy “64 sign”. Arrow looks like its pointing south, not west. See Giovanni blaze southward.
See Giovanni hit 80 MPH to get on right track before Grand Canyon “closes”. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
See Giovanni start to notice things he passed on early beginnings of Highway 89, two hours ago. See Giovanni realize he is on outskirts of Flagstaff. MOF!!!!!!!!
See Giovanni pull over to a ma and pa plumbing company in search for Christian charity. See guy from “Deliverance” movie with large pipe wrench attached to 375 pound body. See Giovanni quickly put hand over his emerald earring, pretending to be deaf. Giovanni sees self as Ned Beatty in piggy role.
See Giovanni give his iPhone and GPS over to the plumber. “I’ll program it for you. I think you’ll go “Snow Bowl”. See Giovanni say to himself, “What be Snowball”?
See Giovanni take off with newly programmed GPS to overcome “Karen’s protestations”. “GO RIGHT TO 89 WOP BOY”. See Giovanni give Karen the legendary “Fangu” hand/arm sign. Not room for full effect.
See Giovanni suddenly finding himself in a residential neighborhood, with a dozen, creeping cars in a 25 MPH zone and a line of elementary schools. See Giovanni’s eyes flutter, rolling back inside to see self as infant floating through Catholic “limbo” for trillions of years.
See Giovanni finally weave his way through the mysterious neighborhood short cut to The Grand Canyon. And then, Voila. Out from a sea of grade schoolers and on to a farm to market road and then right at the stop sign to 181!!!! RAH-RAH SIS BOOM BAH! BOOM LACKA-LACKA-LACKA! UNGAWA!
See Giovanni hear Karen say, sweetly, “Take a right at Noble Road”. See Giovanni’s eyes tumble like fruit in a slot machine.
See Giovanni driving up a mountain with 10,000 pine trees, up and up towards the beautiful, blue, soft, lilting, wispy, Dali-esque sky with a soft Goldilocks’ bed around the next bend. Giovanni goes bye-bye!
See Karen, the nafka, minx GPS lady say, “You’re destination is on the left”. See her go silent.
See Giovanni look at a parking lot with 5 cars and no people. See Giovanni turn right, seeing official type buildings where a Christian ranger might reside with Smokey the Bear playing gin rummy. See all the doors are locked and no one is there. See Giovanni accidentally look up. See many chair lifts not moving, hanging over grass slope. Giovanni thinks they look awfully depressed for chair lifts.
See Giovanni realize that Snow Bowl is a ski resort. See Giovanni scramble for his lift ticket. See Giovanni wonder where skis, boots and ski poles are located. See “X’s” where Giovanni’s eyes should be. See Giovanni straining against seat belt to look over treetops to try and see Grand Canyon.
See Giovanni beat his invisible Grand Canyon passenger to death while invoking God and all deities.
See Giovanni drive back the freaking way he came, back down the mountain at 25 MPH behind a junker car with a plume of pot smoke billowing out the windows. See Giovanni try to get whiff or two.
See Giovanni take a right on that farm to market road which is 181. EUREKA. GRAND CANYON NEXT!
See Giovanni deep breathing in yoga mode as he winds his way through pretty countryside with pickup truck going 45 in a 55 for many miles. See no passing lanes. See driver with cowboy hat and gun rack with AK 47. See Giovanni back off to a safe distance – Flagstaff.
See Giovanni finally dead end on to Highway 64. OMG! Sign says “GRAND CANYON”. Giovanni begins to sob. “It has an arrow, too! Giovanni breaks down but keeps driving on and on. See Giovanni hear “The Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling:
“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination! That’s the signpost up ahead – your next stop, the Twilight Zone!”
See Giovanni flash back to episode where earth men land on planet with buildings but no people and no canyon.
See Giovanni notice large billboard, advertising “IMAX GRAND CANYON EXPERIENCE 6 STORY HIGH SCREEN”. Giovanni thinks, “Freaking Grand Canyon.” See Giovanni contemplate going with IMAX. See Giovanni hear God say, “ANDIAMO GIOVANNI!! SUBITO”! Cue God cackle.
See Giovanni looking through forest, ahead, to see some part of the largest hole on earth. Niente!
See Giovanni now in a line of many cars, SUV’s, trucks – 5 lanes wide – crawling towards ranger kiosks to take Giovanni’s money. Inch by inch, foot by foot, see Giovanni move forward at 1 MPH! See ranger ask Giovanni, “Are you 62 or older”? See Giovanni scream, “SI, 66 ANNI”! See Giovanni get in for $10 via gold age pass instead of normal $30. Giovanni becomes giddy mixed with “Altered States” primal rage.
See Giovanni looking at new sign that says “Grand Canyon – 5 miles”. @%$&*#. See Italian equivalent!
See Giovanni, bladder now the size of a watermelon, expecting Alien to blast way out at any minute.
See Giovanni still looking for Grand Canyon. “Molto Niente! Grazie Seniore”!
See Giovanni behind many cars going 10 MPH, his eyes now filling with Alien’s nuclear acid urine. See Giovanni sweat loss of damage deposit on rent car with burned holes through seat and floorboard.
See Giovanni finally see sign that says “Grand Canyon Visitor’s Center”. Turning in to the parking lot, see Giovanni observe hundreds of cars. See Giovanni drive many lanes finding zero parking spots. See lightning strikes on top of Giovanni’s head.
See Giovanni retreat out of parking lot to main road. See Giovanni find yet another Visitor’s Center sign. See Giovanni contemplate the hundreds of cars and the absence of parking spaces. See Giovanni become devil in “Night on Bald Mountain” from “Fantasia”. See dead rangers rising from their graves.
See Giovanni’s neck and face now resembling The Incredible Hulk, turning around one more time to the #$%@&* main road.
See Giovanni find a third Visitor’s Center. See Giovanni give a big finger to the sign. But what ho…a parking spot. See Giovanni thank all pagan gods for that restroom only 20 yards away. It beacons to Giovanni! See Giovanni depart restroom 45 minutes later looking like a Moulin Rouge tart on a three day pass.
See Giovanni peering through trees to see many people walking on what might be a sidewalk. See only white, hazy sky beyond fun seekers. Still no Grand Canyon!?!?!?
See Giovanni walk through trees to the sidewalk.
See Giovanni’s left testacle suck in to rectum as Grand Canyon stares him in the face.
JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!! MOMMY!!!!! VERTIGO A GO-GO!!!!!!!
See Giovanni crane neck to see the earth disappear in to the abyss – a 5,000 foot drop only 35′ away.
See Giovanni gasp for breath at the massive hole in the ground, sucking him to eminent death just beyond small row of loose boulders.
See Giovanni moon walk away from boulders, hyperventilating.
See Giovanni summon thimbleful of courage to move to the middle of the sidewalk to take many photos with 300 mm telephoto lens. Giovanni wishes it was 1000 mm telephoto lens! YIKES!!
See Giovanni notice idiots walk out to stand on rocks 10′ away from death drop to have their picture taken. See Giovanni take pictures of them taking pictures. Maybe Giovanni will catch one going over the edge yelling “Banzai!!”
See a legion of people walking in front and behind Giovanni as he tries to take Pulitzer Prize Winning photos for National Geographic. Giovanni realizes he has become invisible. Giovanni blames Karen.
See Giovanni’s vertigo onslaught in full gear rising up like boiling lava from Mt. Etna. Fear shroud covers Giovanni like invisibility cloak. Giovanni is now Harry Potter. Grand Canyon is now Voldemort. Giovanni tries to find his wand.
See Giovanni realize that he can only stay 75 minutes at death hole. He must drive back through Oak Creek Canyon and more death drops before dark envelops him. Also must consider more getting lost phenomenon. No matter. Duct tape now firmly over iPhone speaker, muffling Karen’s mumbling ass mouth. JUSTICE!!!
See Giovanni navigate, brilliantly, back to Sedona and Willard’s house.
Giovanni left at 7:30am and returned by 5:30pm = 10 1/2 hours for a 6 hour trip!!!! BASTARDO!!!
See Giovanni try to rip cover off iPhone to strangle Karen to death!!
See Giovanni now recounting day to Willard and Mary Ruth to add to shame and humiliation quotient. See Willard tell Giovanni how he could have navigated. See Giovanni having impure thoughts for comeback.
See Giovanni’s bid “Adieu”, as he drags carcass up stairs and more vertigo to bliss of the bed room. No more Karen. No more chair lifts. Welcome Bill O’Reilly and FOX News at metal band decibel levels.
See Giovanni watching “The Great Escape” on his iPad with scenes freezing and unfreezing due to slow bandwidth in Willard’s home. See Giovanni with his headsets on in a semi coma and longed for peace before tomorrow’s Scottsdale Adventure begins.
THE END
